Facing One of My Biggest Fears

This process of published Cutting Free is all about diving into my fears.

I can't live my life controlled by any fears. To make my book a success, I have to do what most people WON'T do. And every step, every fear faced, is a step in the right direction.

In my swim class we did "starts" which sounded harmless until I realized what they were.

As the realization hit, I stared off at the wall, trying to suppress my anger beneath the eight feet of water beneath me.

I almost jumped when my teacher told us to begin. I hesitated, because my mind saw myself crying to our coach first. So that's exactly what I did. I sought reassurance. The tears stayed in check, but my voice started to shake.

Being in the water doesn't scare me. But let's get one thing straight. Diving has been one of my greatest fears. I have never in my life even ATTEMPTED to dive. Feet first, every time.

When I walked back to my lane, I jumped in. I must have landed right on my face, because I felt like I had a low grade migraine. At least Pepper promised us that she doesn't get paid very much to teach us, so watching us belly flop helps make her job worth it.

Pepper had me stand right at the end of the lane, with my right foot on the edge, my left knee on the ground with my foot pointed up. Pepper grabbed my foot, and before I knew it, I was underwater, deeper than I've ever been in my life.

Unfamiliar with the sensations of that depth, it took me a while to rise to the surface. The other girls, who took the option to watch rather than attempting the starts, looked at me and said, "You were so deep I couldn't even see where you went!" I did wear a blue bikini after all.

I did not attempt another start, as I wasn't yet comfortable enough to begin so far above the water, but I continued to practice kneeling over the edge and diving in. One girl happily lifted my foot into the air and watched me disappear underwater. Then I started diving in on my own.

I have wanted to face this fear since childhood.

This week I will contact more agents. I have further developed my plans for speaking about it. And I am almost ready to send my first magazine article introducing the publishing world to my voice.

I am ready to dive into my book.