I felt slightly worried last week because for the past several weeks, I've had something concrete planned, and suddenly I had nothing. A natural rippling of finding new experiences had seemed to cease.
When I felt a little worried, I thought I could try acupuncture and I know someone willing to teach me to play chess, but then I realized, in the painting workshop I was signed up for, I was already doing something new right there.
Talking to my instructor last week actually helped me think of two new ideas for upcoming weeks. A very intelligent and well-rounded man, I thought about how this artist, in his sixties, has seen far more of life than I, at twenty-six. For example, what I have read about the Vietnam War and the fifties and sixties, he has lived. So I decided to pick his brain on the subject to which he obviously has more information.
What led me to think of his experience compared to mine was the days of my workshop coincided with the forty-year anniversary of Woodstock. I caught a documentary of Woodstock on VH1 (yes, incredibly the channel had a program actually relevant to music). That night I happened to be hungry for studying history, and the sixties has been one of my favorite decades to study anyhow. I had to roll my eyes however, when a girl being interviewed for the documentary regarding the event even her parents didn't attend said Woodstock was one of the most important events that have ever happened, maybe the most important event that ever happened. And she wasn't even stoned. It is telling that someone would describe a festival, a party, as possibly the most important event in the history of the earth.
It made me think how naive I was when I believed the lyrics of the Beatles song "All You Need is Love." Actually, I prefer to think I didn't really believe that nonsense, but I'll admit, I didn't really question it either, because it was coming from the Beatles, some of the most important people who ever lived, maybe the most important people who have ever lived. Only joking silly Woodstock-attendee wannabe girl who doesn't even have pot as an excuse for stupidity. But the Beatles were heroes of mine in a sense. Their music stands on its own merit; the Summer of Love may have needed them, but they didn't need it.
I used to believe that summer, in the year 1967, was a period I was meant to live and the stars got it wrong when I was born in the early eighties. I loved the whole idea of hippies and living together in peace with everyone wearing flowers in their hair and all that. I still love some of the music from that era. But as far as the flowers in the hair, you get to a point when you realize, if everyone is literally living together in their hip new society, someones got to maintain the garden where those flowers are being mercilessly picked (the hippies never stood for flower rights). And who is going to do that when one hippy is tripping on acid, another is busy trying to decipher the non-language of Timothy Leary, and the other one is meditating in the corner for world peace, because as you know, most accomplishments result from sitting in a corner with your eyes closed. The hippy who would be repeatedly tending the flowers which the other hippies insist on breaking off to put in their hair, soldiers' guns, and God knows where else, is the same hippy who would probably be stuck cooking the food (vegetarian and organic of course), sweeping the dirt floor of the teepee where a dozen other hippies sleep, and missing out on sitting nude in the human "be in" because there is still far more work to do. In short, this person becomes the horse in "Animal Farm." The whole muddied concept of "living together, everything equal" does not work because if everything is free and equal and no one has any responsibility--other than to show everyone 'love'--then the work falls onto the shoulders of just a few individuals who eventually can't bare the load. Where is the difference between this example and socialism? I was fascinated by the hippy culture as a teenager; as an adult, I see it as ironic that a 1960s hippy might insult someone by calling him a communist, but The Guess Who's song "Share the Land", with the lyrics "Maybe I'll be there to share the land, that they'll be given' away, when we all live together," defines socialism. Who is "they" who are giving the land away anyhow? And how is it shared? Everyone is just magically given an equal plot of land, and the people who work harder than everyone else are given the same share as the people who have never worked in their lives? Yet we all live together in happiness, everyone, even the Manson Family.
It is these realizations that make me want to ignore such inane slogans as "free love" and instead talk more to my elders (oh no, what a square thing to do!) My teacher was particularly interesting, and while I'll admit I'm a little shocked by some of the things he was saying, that is not because he was saying something against my code of ethics, but because he was saying things, especially regarding the Vietnam War, which I had never heard before, not by anyone, including the authors of my college history books.
I haven't sought out his side of the story. I wasn't alive for this time in history, and my knowledge of history is not bad, but I realize it could always be better because you're usually going to get only profiles of history rather than dead-on portraits. What I know very well is music history; I can spot those Orwellian-lyrics about giving away 'free' land. But I would very much like to educate myself further. The best way, in my opinion, is to look at both sides of the story (after all, if you're given two profiles, you're more likely to picture the face of the period more accurately). I haven't had very much political exposure, and I will state for myself that I know little regarding politics. At least fort the time being. What I have been exposed to is typically more anti-war, left-wing, and whatever I felt would be rebelling from my Utah upbringing. After talking to this artist, I decided it would be a good time in my life to look at that to which I've been least exposed.
I decided to check out a book by Ann Coulter from the library, because she is the most outspoken commentator on the right that I could think of. So far she is not telling me that we are all going to be happy living together on shared land that was given to us for free, while the pigs drink heavily into the night and the horse carries the load for every other animal; I guess that makes her opinions safer for our cultural health than the lyrics of "The Guess Who." Of course I'm writing with a load of sarcasm, but I do think its worth the time to look at the other opinion, which I honestly have not done until now.
This led me to another new idea for my book. One of the actions which the right side is known for is being Pro-Life. Again, I've never really looked at this debate. I know someone who is giving classes on what it is really like to have an abortion, in hopes of educating women into what they're really getting into, at least based on her viewpoint (which I haven't explored). I thought I would ask her if I could sit in on one of her classes. Most people who have given me their opinion have been Pro-Choice. Most feminist books I've read have been from authors who are Pro-Choice (although this is NOT to say all feminists think the same. There are Pro-Life feminists). I need to see all sides I can if I'm going to dare say I have a credible voice in the matter.
Given the choice, I would much rather listen to someone who had been through the Vietnam War and possessed a concise understanding of the military and its leaders than someone who had had never been overseas and based their entire opinions of war on, well . . . opinions. It has led me to think, did the protesters of that war have a clue what they were protesting? Or was it just that "war is bad"? Would someone who is Pro-Choice listen to the story of a woman who had an abortion and regretted it?
This is one reason why I love doing these weekly adventures; it has brought me not only to expand my passions and life experience, but to examine viewpoints I previously would not have given the time of day. It would be easy to just stick with the opinions already formed, but I'm seeking a balance of viewpoints, because the free speech to which I've been exposed doesn't mean all minds behind the speech are equal. There is no 'free credibility.' That should only come with work. Sorry "Guess Who," but I don't expect to have as much land as someone who works harder than me; I don't expect to have less than the dead-beat who hasn't even looked for work, and the freedom to work is paralleled with the freedom of speech. I don't expect my opinion to be as worthy as the person's who has extensively studied both sides; I don't expect the opinion of the person who hasn't bothered to think to be considered as valid as the students' of the subject. Anyone can speak, but anyone can make marks on a piece of paper, and I'm not going to taut one person's stick figures as just as valid an art form as the Mona Lisa. We should work for what we have, and this includes our opinions.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Unprepared
Lately life has seemed hectic, like I'm dropping the ball, and here it is a new week, and I don't have a plan yet! I have some ideas, but I am not committed, and this must change soon so I don't miss this week. If I don't do something new that I can use for my book, there is no book.
I don't have any free days to devote to something either. No mountain climbing or any other activity that will demand several hours. It will be interesting to see what I come up with . . . but I will come up with something. I have promised myself, if it is 11:59 pm on Saturday night and I haven't done anything new yet, I will go outside, dig in the ground until I find a worm and eat it right there on the spot (okay, I'd at least probably wash it first) but I am NOT going to let my book collapse! I'll do whatever I can to keep the ball rolling, because this means so much to me, I would have a deeper regret than I care to imagine if I let my book go.
I don't have any free days to devote to something either. No mountain climbing or any other activity that will demand several hours. It will be interesting to see what I come up with . . . but I will come up with something. I have promised myself, if it is 11:59 pm on Saturday night and I haven't done anything new yet, I will go outside, dig in the ground until I find a worm and eat it right there on the spot (okay, I'd at least probably wash it first) but I am NOT going to let my book collapse! I'll do whatever I can to keep the ball rolling, because this means so much to me, I would have a deeper regret than I care to imagine if I let my book go.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Looking More Closely at Myself
If I'm writing a book about getting out of my comfort zone and doing something brand new every week, I would be a hypocrite if I ignored areas of my life where I've remained stagnant. That's the most scary but worthwhile part of writing this book: by doing something new every week so far this year, I've had to not only keep my eyes open for new adventures, but I start to look more deeply at myself, thinking about what I haven't done and why. To be honest, I don't always like what I see.
This 2009 experiment has brought lasting postitive changes. I've gotten myself more together by learning to build a website; I've walked through a Mormon temple and discovered I feel no resentment about my own religious past. Yet I am far from feeling completely free. I've struggled with this for the past decade, but didn't have the confidence, even in my twenties, to make the change. If you were to ask me, with all these new experiences I've had, what is the one new experience I still need to have above all others, I would answer you, "living on my own." It is time I made that change.
I moved in with my sister several years ago, but I'm not counting that experience because it was with my older sister and it didn't feel like I was really on my own. My sister would hate hearing this, but at times it didn't feel that different from living with my mom and dad. So this time I'm moving in with friends. I have recently found a place to stay and have been planning on moving there next month.
Lately I have been feeling very positive about it, because this is a step I have no doubt I must take. Not because I'd be embarrassed to turn twenty-seven this winter and still be living with Mom and Dad--and I would be embarrassed--but because I need to grow into my own authentic self. Now I'm wondering if that authentic self is really going to come out with the roommates I've chosen. They're nice friends, but both have shown an overprotection of me at times, and I wonder how they might change when I live with them.
What I have to remember is I do have options. No one is applying any force on where I'm going to live. It is so ironic that I've been able to find something new to do every week, realizing just how much there is available to me by through my commitment of this book, and here I am, preparing to move out and feeling like I don't have options! I can create the event of myself, my siblings, and relatives eating chocolate-covered Cambodian ants, but I can't find a place I want to live? Even with my expanded life, I still find it so easy to forget the possibilites surrounding me! I think quite often then not, abundence exists; it's just not as out in the open as expected, so it is missed, replaced by a feeling of inadequacy and loss. Or the opportunities remain undiscovered even in plain view. If I'm resigned to a frustrating vision of home, I don't believe any other possibility exists. I look out the window and almost feel like there is only two doors open to me, and right now I don't know if I want to enter one. What about the other doors? I've created opportunities for myself every week this year. I've accomplished more than half of my book already, and here I am, wanting to move out and feeling like I lack opportunities? I only feel that way because it is ingrained in me in this example. I have convinced myself down into my core that I can't create my own home. Hopelessness is often a failure to search for and discover solutions.
There are other places I can live. Even if I follow my current plan and find I don't like living there, I can always move again with different roommates. Wow, who would have thought! I mean no need to hit me over the head with this idea or anything . . . I don't need to get it perfect the first time. Most people probably move several times when they're young adults. Another option I'm not seeing: I can withstand their opinions. I'm free to create myself. I don't need my roommates to survive, just as I don't need my parents. It is the belief in such dependency which creates lead chains.
So what am I anticipating withstanding?
This sudden intensity of emotion about where I move did not come from a void. Yesterday I saw the brother of the last guy I was dating. Today I saw his mom. Both incidents were random; one happened to be in the store where I work, the other at a community event. I haven't seen any of his family in over two months, which was when I said good-bye to him. I've decided it's about time to say hello to him again. I will leave it at that. I left because I was slowly becoming aware of the chains I mentioned; they were a barrier between us. I didn't have the words for it back then, but I knew it wasn't going to work at the time. I've spent the past two months figuring out some of the causes of this wall, and I believe moving out will bring it down--not fully, because it will take consistent work--but it will help. My worry is, will moving in with these roommates draw it back up?
They have their own ideas for who is right for me, but so will other people. I can learn to accept that without apologizing by sharing overly personal explanations or yielding by forgetting my own passion and reason. I listen to different points of view, but what does considering their opinion do for and to me if I don't also consider my own opinion as equally valid? I must reach the point of true adulthood, having faith in my own vision and being able to create my life, despite anyone's desire to push me onto the path he or she feels is better. There is much to be said for the person who can shake off the opinions of others.
I guess this means if they don't like the way I live my life, what can they do about it? Are they going to insult me as well and tell me I'm going to end with my life completely fallen apart? If they do, I can learn a laugh and a shrugg can be a the strongest response I need, because I don't need to convince them that what I do is right for me, I just need to convince myself. What is the weight of the world on Atlas's shoulders if he choses to shrug? What could roommates really do if I live my own life? Do I really need to let what they want for me become what I think I need? I was able to walk away from the Mormon church and walk into a Mormon temple without feeling the slightest amount of pressure to somehow change my life to better fit Mormon standards. I felt neither uplifted nor guilty, just an exploring, living being. It is my goal to live within this position of strength: someone capable of becoming more sophisticated within all realms, even those they have rejected, and if the knowledge gleaned from the study suggests or proclaims an error within your own heart, there is no rejection of the sacred self.
This 2009 experiment has brought lasting postitive changes. I've gotten myself more together by learning to build a website; I've walked through a Mormon temple and discovered I feel no resentment about my own religious past. Yet I am far from feeling completely free. I've struggled with this for the past decade, but didn't have the confidence, even in my twenties, to make the change. If you were to ask me, with all these new experiences I've had, what is the one new experience I still need to have above all others, I would answer you, "living on my own." It is time I made that change.
I moved in with my sister several years ago, but I'm not counting that experience because it was with my older sister and it didn't feel like I was really on my own. My sister would hate hearing this, but at times it didn't feel that different from living with my mom and dad. So this time I'm moving in with friends. I have recently found a place to stay and have been planning on moving there next month.
Lately I have been feeling very positive about it, because this is a step I have no doubt I must take. Not because I'd be embarrassed to turn twenty-seven this winter and still be living with Mom and Dad--and I would be embarrassed--but because I need to grow into my own authentic self. Now I'm wondering if that authentic self is really going to come out with the roommates I've chosen. They're nice friends, but both have shown an overprotection of me at times, and I wonder how they might change when I live with them.
What I have to remember is I do have options. No one is applying any force on where I'm going to live. It is so ironic that I've been able to find something new to do every week, realizing just how much there is available to me by through my commitment of this book, and here I am, preparing to move out and feeling like I don't have options! I can create the event of myself, my siblings, and relatives eating chocolate-covered Cambodian ants, but I can't find a place I want to live? Even with my expanded life, I still find it so easy to forget the possibilites surrounding me! I think quite often then not, abundence exists; it's just not as out in the open as expected, so it is missed, replaced by a feeling of inadequacy and loss. Or the opportunities remain undiscovered even in plain view. If I'm resigned to a frustrating vision of home, I don't believe any other possibility exists. I look out the window and almost feel like there is only two doors open to me, and right now I don't know if I want to enter one. What about the other doors? I've created opportunities for myself every week this year. I've accomplished more than half of my book already, and here I am, wanting to move out and feeling like I lack opportunities? I only feel that way because it is ingrained in me in this example. I have convinced myself down into my core that I can't create my own home. Hopelessness is often a failure to search for and discover solutions.
There are other places I can live. Even if I follow my current plan and find I don't like living there, I can always move again with different roommates. Wow, who would have thought! I mean no need to hit me over the head with this idea or anything . . . I don't need to get it perfect the first time. Most people probably move several times when they're young adults. Another option I'm not seeing: I can withstand their opinions. I'm free to create myself. I don't need my roommates to survive, just as I don't need my parents. It is the belief in such dependency which creates lead chains.
So what am I anticipating withstanding?
This sudden intensity of emotion about where I move did not come from a void. Yesterday I saw the brother of the last guy I was dating. Today I saw his mom. Both incidents were random; one happened to be in the store where I work, the other at a community event. I haven't seen any of his family in over two months, which was when I said good-bye to him. I've decided it's about time to say hello to him again. I will leave it at that. I left because I was slowly becoming aware of the chains I mentioned; they were a barrier between us. I didn't have the words for it back then, but I knew it wasn't going to work at the time. I've spent the past two months figuring out some of the causes of this wall, and I believe moving out will bring it down--not fully, because it will take consistent work--but it will help. My worry is, will moving in with these roommates draw it back up?
They have their own ideas for who is right for me, but so will other people. I can learn to accept that without apologizing by sharing overly personal explanations or yielding by forgetting my own passion and reason. I listen to different points of view, but what does considering their opinion do for and to me if I don't also consider my own opinion as equally valid? I must reach the point of true adulthood, having faith in my own vision and being able to create my life, despite anyone's desire to push me onto the path he or she feels is better. There is much to be said for the person who can shake off the opinions of others.
I guess this means if they don't like the way I live my life, what can they do about it? Are they going to insult me as well and tell me I'm going to end with my life completely fallen apart? If they do, I can learn a laugh and a shrugg can be a the strongest response I need, because I don't need to convince them that what I do is right for me, I just need to convince myself. What is the weight of the world on Atlas's shoulders if he choses to shrug? What could roommates really do if I live my own life? Do I really need to let what they want for me become what I think I need? I was able to walk away from the Mormon church and walk into a Mormon temple without feeling the slightest amount of pressure to somehow change my life to better fit Mormon standards. I felt neither uplifted nor guilty, just an exploring, living being. It is my goal to live within this position of strength: someone capable of becoming more sophisticated within all realms, even those they have rejected, and if the knowledge gleaned from the study suggests or proclaims an error within your own heart, there is no rejection of the sacred self.
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