Looking More Closely at Myself

If I'm writing a book about getting out of my comfort zone and doing something brand new every week, I would be a hypocrite if I ignored areas of my life where I've remained stagnant. That's the most scary but worthwhile part of writing this book: by doing something new every week so far this year, I've had to not only keep my eyes open for new adventures, but I start to look more deeply at myself, thinking about what I haven't done and why. To be honest, I don't always like what I see.

This 2009 experiment has brought lasting postitive changes. I've gotten myself more together by learning to build a website; I've walked through a Mormon temple and discovered I feel no resentment about my own religious past. Yet I am far from feeling completely free. I've struggled with this for the past decade, but didn't have the confidence, even in my twenties, to make the change. If you were to ask me, with all these new experiences I've had, what is the one new experience I still need to have above all others, I would answer you, "living on my own." It is time I made that change.

I moved in with my sister several years ago, but I'm not counting that experience because it was with my older sister and it didn't feel like I was really on my own. My sister would hate hearing this, but at times it didn't feel that different from living with my mom and dad. So this time I'm moving in with friends. I have recently found a place to stay and have been planning on moving there next month.

Lately I have been feeling very positive about it, because this is a step I have no doubt I must take. Not because I'd be embarrassed to turn twenty-seven this winter and still be living with Mom and Dad--and I would be embarrassed--but because I need to grow into my own authentic self. Now I'm wondering if that authentic self is really going to come out with the roommates I've chosen. They're nice friends, but both have shown an overprotection of me at times, and I wonder how they might change when I live with them.


What I have to remember is I do have options. No one is applying any force on where I'm going to live. It is so ironic that I've been able to find something new to do every week, realizing just how much there is available to me by through my commitment of this book, and here I am, preparing to move out and feeling like I don't have options! I can create the event of myself, my siblings, and relatives eating chocolate-covered Cambodian ants, but I can't find a place I want to live? Even with my expanded life, I still find it so easy to forget the possibilites surrounding me! I think quite often then not, abundence exists; it's just not as out in the open as expected, so it is missed, replaced by a feeling of inadequacy and loss. Or the opportunities remain undiscovered even in plain view. If I'm resigned to a frustrating vision of home, I don't believe any other possibility exists. I look out the window and almost feel like there is only two doors open to me, and right now I don't know if I want to enter one. What about the other doors? I've created opportunities for myself every week this year. I've accomplished more than half of my book already, and here I am, wanting to move out and feeling like I lack opportunities? I only feel that way because it is ingrained in me in this example. I have convinced myself down into my core that I can't create my own home. Hopelessness is often a failure to search for and discover solutions.

There are other places I can live. Even if I follow my current plan and find I don't like living there, I can always move again with different roommates. Wow, who would have thought! I mean no need to hit me over the head with this idea or anything . . . I don't need to get it perfect the first time. Most people probably move several times when they're young adults. Another option I'm not seeing: I can withstand their opinions. I'm free to create myself. I don't need my roommates to survive, just as I don't need my parents. It is the belief in such dependency which creates lead chains.

So what am I anticipating withstanding?

This sudden intensity of emotion about where I move did not come from a void. Yesterday I saw the brother of the last guy I was dating. Today I saw his mom. Both incidents were random; one happened to be in the store where I work, the other at a community event. I haven't seen any of his family in over two months, which was when I said good-bye to him. I've decided it's about time to say hello to him again. I will leave it at that. I left because I was slowly becoming aware of the chains I mentioned; they were a barrier between us. I didn't have the words for it back then, but I knew it wasn't going to work at the time. I've spent the past two months figuring out some of the causes of this wall, and I believe moving out will bring it down--not fully, because it will take consistent work--but it will help. My worry is, will moving in with these roommates draw it back up?

They have their own ideas for who is right for me, but so will other people. I can learn to accept that without apologizing by sharing overly personal explanations or yielding by forgetting my own passion and reason. I listen to different points of view, but what does considering their opinion do for and to me if I don't also consider my own opinion as equally valid? I must reach the point of true adulthood, having faith in my own vision and being able to create my life, despite anyone's desire to push me onto the path he or she feels is better. There is much to be said for the person who can shake off the opinions of others.

I guess this means if they don't like the way I live my life, what can they do about it? Are they going to insult me as well and tell me I'm going to end with my life completely fallen apart? If they do, I can learn a laugh and a shrugg can be a the strongest response I need, because I don't need to convince them that what I do is right for me, I just need to convince myself. What is the weight of the world on Atlas's shoulders if he choses to shrug? What could roommates really do if I live my own life? Do I really need to let what they want for me become what I think I need? I was able to walk away from the Mormon church and walk into a Mormon temple without feeling the slightest amount of pressure to somehow change my life to better fit Mormon standards. I felt neither uplifted nor guilty, just an exploring, living being. It is my goal to live within this position of strength: someone capable of becoming more sophisticated within all realms, even those they have rejected, and if the knowledge gleaned from the study suggests or proclaims an error within your own heart, there is no rejection of the sacred self.