Great Things to Come

I just gave my speech in public speaking class.

My alarm went off at sixty-thirty this morning despite practicing until midnight. As I dressed up hoping to look my best, I wondered if I gave myself enough time.

I had volunteered to give the first speech to inform with visual support. Most people would give PowerPoint presentations, but for my speech, I had a big painting I needed to carry halfway across campus.

I had to set this 24x36 inch painting down several times while walking. When I reached the English building, a smiling man carried it up the stairs for me.

I had made it to class on time with my large oil painting and heels. Now my heart raced as it was nearly time. The easel was far more rickety than I had thought it would be, and I tried not to visualize the painting crashing down in the middle of my presentation. But more than that, I wondered about the impact of my speech. I woke this morning feeling like maybe I had made a mistake--this subject was too dark and too personal.

I took deep breaths and reminded myself to project my voice. Then I told my story of the painting, while it stood on the skinny easel with a black cloth keeping it hidden. I talked about how I worked at an art store and had a customer ask me to paint her portrait, and when I arrived at her front door with my paints and brushes, I had to force myself to maintain eye contact, because I was so stunned by what I saw. I told them about the scars on her arms, and about how she trusted me to paint them, because I understood.

By the end of the speech, I had revealed my story of self-harm and the growing statistics. Then I pulled the drape off the painting, to show them the severity of her scars.

The painting is a conduit, showing the face of another model but the scars of the original. As I concluded my speech, so grateful that I could sit and listen for the remainder of class, my professor said this was making a step toward the showcase speakers.

After class my professor carried my painting back to the art building for me. He told me he wanted me to try out for the speech showcase on December 5.

I never thought I would participate in a speaking competition! I am so grateful for my class and the skills I'm learning. This means so much for me and for my book.

One of My Roughest Starts

This semester has been one of my roughest starts.

I thought it would be easy! I decided to take magazine article writing and public speaking to help me prepare to market my book. Then I added two exercise classes to make sure I was full time and could receive my scholarship. All I needed was one art class and the rest could be fun, right?

Two weeks into the semester, a little voice said I better make sure I am really on track to graduate.

It's a good thing I checked. All along I've been thinking I only needed one class.

Wrong.

I needed eight more credits.

During spring semester, I took four studio art classes. It was such a heavy load that I was thinking I had finished my electives, forgetting that two of those "electives" are required for all art majors. Woops!

Because I changed my degree last year from art education to 2-D art, Matt, the department chair changed one of my art methods courses to an elective credit, so then I needed five credits.

I humbly asked the video professor--whose class I had dropped in favor of jogging--if I could come back. Despite offending him, he let me back in.

So now I only needed two more credits to graduate.

I would not be able to take another art class, because by this point, it was too late to add any more. Not to mention with public speaking, magazine writing, video, swimming, yoga, and oh yeah, my BFA thesis class, that's fourteen credits. Maybe I should have dropped some of the other classes, but I wanted the training. One thing for sure: I definitely didn't have the time for another studio art class.

Having my graduation delayed by two credits, especially when I'm enrolled in classes I don't need for my degree (but need for life), left me unbalanced. My heart tells me I need to graduate. I need the time to focus on building my platform and publishing my book.

I recently talked with Amir Jackson of Nurture the Creative Mind to see if I could somehow work with NCM and apply that to a senior project. He was able to squeeze me in to volunteer painting lessons at a treatment center, but I still didn't know if I could apply this to my semester.

I talked to Matt again today. I felt so nervous that I had to pray for help falling asleep last night. I kept hearing him say it's already the middle of the semester and why was I asking for more credits now . . .

This morning, as I told Matt my idea, he began reviewing the hours one would spend in class, and the hours I would spend with NCM. He said, "Well, with those many hours, I could approve you for two credits."

What a relief! And thank goodness I need two and not the typical three! I took a four-credit art history class years ago that made that nice round number. I am so happy that I am back on track to graduate this fall! Matt was happy, Amir was happy, and I am certainly very happy! Despite my work load of sixteen credits all while taking the capstone class of my degree, it will be over before I know it, and I am feeling ironically far less overwhelmed.

Facing One of My Biggest Fears

This process of published Cutting Free is all about diving into my fears.

I can't live my life controlled by any fears. To make my book a success, I have to do what most people WON'T do. And every step, every fear faced, is a step in the right direction.

In my swim class we did "starts" which sounded harmless until I realized what they were.

As the realization hit, I stared off at the wall, trying to suppress my anger beneath the eight feet of water beneath me.

I almost jumped when my teacher told us to begin. I hesitated, because my mind saw myself crying to our coach first. So that's exactly what I did. I sought reassurance. The tears stayed in check, but my voice started to shake.

Being in the water doesn't scare me. But let's get one thing straight. Diving has been one of my greatest fears. I have never in my life even ATTEMPTED to dive. Feet first, every time.

When I walked back to my lane, I jumped in. I must have landed right on my face, because I felt like I had a low grade migraine. At least Pepper promised us that she doesn't get paid very much to teach us, so watching us belly flop helps make her job worth it.

Pepper had me stand right at the end of the lane, with my right foot on the edge, my left knee on the ground with my foot pointed up. Pepper grabbed my foot, and before I knew it, I was underwater, deeper than I've ever been in my life.

Unfamiliar with the sensations of that depth, it took me a while to rise to the surface. The other girls, who took the option to watch rather than attempting the starts, looked at me and said, "You were so deep I couldn't even see where you went!" I did wear a blue bikini after all.

I did not attempt another start, as I wasn't yet comfortable enough to begin so far above the water, but I continued to practice kneeling over the edge and diving in. One girl happily lifted my foot into the air and watched me disappear underwater. Then I started diving in on my own.

I have wanted to face this fear since childhood.

This week I will contact more agents. I have further developed my plans for speaking about it. And I am almost ready to send my first magazine article introducing the publishing world to my voice.

I am ready to dive into my book.

October Goal

It is time to refocus on my goal.

Last month I revisited this blog and posted every day. It helped me work through a few problems as well as establish the writing habit.

I am ready to narrow my focus. I need to make sure I am ascending the publishing mountain. I'm going to blog at least once a week this month, and every post will relate to what I'm doing to make my finished manuscript a complete book. I don't think I need to do it every night like I did in September, but I need a way to check on my progress.

I have do actively do something toward my publication. As long as I am doing SOMETHING, whether it is contacting agents or working on my speaking ability or creating artwork which complements my book, then I am on the right track. And it matters, no matter how busy I am. It is not about having time. It is about making time.

I have the most success when I live consciously. One of the best paths to success is to write down progress. So let's see what I get done in the next four weeks.

Inspiration

I was going to take a break from the blog for now. But then I ran into a friend of mine at school.

I'm always in awe of how together she looks. , with styled hair and pristine makeup. We met last semester in photography class--one of my favorite classes of my undergraduate career.

We passed each other on the way to class and she asked if I had finished my book. I told her yes, and that I'm now searching for a publisher.

"Make sure you tell me when you publish. I will buy a copy of your book."

It really made my day.

I feel inspired to keep writing and documenting this process. When I leave for school at 8:30 a.m. and arrive home at 8:30 p.m. it's not an easy task, but as I listen to my inner voice, I am supposed to continue dedicating time to this.

Gracias, mi amiga bonita!

Having an Amazing Attitude

"When life knocks you down, try to lie on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up."
- Les Brown

These words give me strength. I feel like I have been knocked down. The hardest is when the future feels impossible to ever top or even match the past.

Yet we never know what could be right around the corner.

I have been so sad because I have been focusing on my dreams that haven't worked.

This is a time in my life to take an amazing attitude.