I did not want to admit that I've been feeling really depressed about my accident, especially concerning my ankle. I want to be positive: I'm trying my best to imagine myself getting better and stronger because of all this, but I also must admit the less-inspiring truth that my physical state bothers me on a daily basis.
I've noticed myself growing depressed. One of my problems is I have a really hard time asking for help. It's like the earlier post I made about not wanting to admit what a crushing disappointment I felt after my first half-marathon; I am going through another major disappointment that I'm trying to hide with a smile. My ankle is not back to normal after my car accident in September of last year. It's been over five months. It is fine to walk on, but it seems like after I run, it hurts at some point, sometimes to the point of limping. I have been really patient and, such as in my previous post, I'm trying to view all this as a blessing to get stronger. I wait and wait and wait. But I can't get strong in the way my body craves if I can't run. My little assisted push-ups and pull-ups are great; they certainly don't bother my ankle and I'll stick with them, hopefully for my whole life. I'm happy I'm getting something positive out of this, but I am in tears right now, and they are not tears of happiness. This is my breaking point. I know it might sound strange to some people to miss running, but for me, running is one of my greatest stress relievers. I am not the greatest or fastest runner, but running does more for me than a whole boxful of antidepressants ever could. It is time to finally admit to my growing depression. It's time to stop short-circuiting the sadness I feel every time I think about it.
I have an uninsured motorist policy which means that I can receive medical help from my own insurance, as the man who caused the accident did not have insurance. I feel afraid to even ask for help from my own insurance, which is a feeling I'm just going to have to fight. I guess I'm afraid that getting any help at all will be extremely difficult and that I will accept this as it were simply my lot in life. But I need help. I can't just do my own exercises and hope for the best anymore. Almost every day, I think about how I wish I would've driven a different route the day of my accident. Maybe that sounds like I'm whining. There's a part of me that always reminds myself I'm lucky I wore my seat belt because I could have died, but if I can't run, there is a part of me that will never feel as alive.
I have been calling my insurance rep, but he hasn't answered or called me back and to be honest, there is something about his voice that intimidates me and makes me feel afraid to ask for anything. I met him in person once and felt much more comfortable with him then. Maybe it is something the phone does to his voice. Regardless, I can't give in to intimidation. I am writing now as a very direct message to myself on Monday when I call him again: ASK FOR HELP. Make it clear that I need a doctor. I am fortunate to have this coverage available to me, and I can get help, even if it does mean I have to jump through dozens of hoops. This is my choice to make if I want to get back to being a runner.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
A New Motivation to Exercise
Over the weekend, when lifting up my three-year-old niece, I noticed she was getting easier to lift. I could even spin her around as if she were flying without too much effort on my part. This is the first time in my life I've noticed that kind of upper-body strength.
I attribute much of this change to my car accident five months ago.
It was not my first accident. That would be in 2010, when a girl named Rainbow made a U-turn straight into my car on her way to her pole-dancing class. Yes, Rainbow (that really was her name) was quite the Rhodes scholar. I felt lucky I wasn't hurt, but she totaled my car, which was traumatic for me at the time. I chose to get my car fixed and in a few weeks life was completely back to normal.
I never would have thought I'd be grateful that Rainbow caused the accident, but I am now. If I hadn't gone through this first accident, my second one would have been ten times harder.
I had my second car accident last September. This time it was a guy named Alfonso without car insurance, also making a U-turn! It was the curse of Rainbow and Alfonso--'The Robonso.' I should just put a sticker on my car that says, "No more U-turns into my car, please.' I sprained my ankle, shoulder, and wrist, and bruised my ribs in the accident.
I am still not back to normal. Some people have told me I'll never get back to normal again. I don't know if I agree with that, because while I want to be realistic, I also think it's too easy to resign yourself to physical limits. So I've started doing things to strengthen my body, and I'm noticing that they're helping significantly. I never went to physical therapy, which is still an option because unlike the person who caused the accident, I DO pay for car insurance and I have an uninsured motorist claim. I didn't think I would need it because I've never had any injury I didn't bounce back from on my own, but after five months, I'm thinking I may go that route. This slow process has been frustrating. However, I'm realizing it may be more of a blessing than anything else.
The accident has caused a motivation to build strength. For example, to strengthen my shoulder and wrist, I use a resistance band that I place in a door jamb. Never in my life have I thought about strengthening my wrists! I've mainly thought about the obvious muscles, such as my legs, being a runner.
I haven't been able to run much, with my recovering ankle. As frustrating as that is, I am doing what I can to feel strong. The result is I'm viewing myself as more than a runner. For example, I have found a love for push-ups! Even though I currently do them on my knees, I made it all the way down to my chin a few weeks ago, the same day as the Super Bowl. (And yes, I watched it! Part of my growing interest in football even stems from my accident. I'm fascinated by how football players take impact; they really know how to fall while limiting injury.) My assisted push-up might not seem like much of an accomplishment, but I have never been able to go all the way down to the floor and make it back up! Eventually I'll be able to do that on my feet, too.
Here's a curve ball: I even bought a pull-up bar (quite funny to see my family members' faces when I showed them). I can't do much yet. In fact, I pretty much hang there. I'll hang three times, for thirty seconds each, then I'll try to do ten pull-ups, in which case I think I might be moving half an inch now, and then I'll do three sets of ten, while standing on a chair.
I've heard some people with similar injuries say they feel pretty normal, as long as they keep up their exercises. If this accident means I must now do exercises I never had to do before to feel normal, then I will exercise and become stronger in the process. Because of this accident, I might become stronger than I ever would have otherwise.
And I just have to add, seat belts really are important! I was wearing my seat belt during both my accidents, and the second one is where it really counted. My injuries have been challenging, but I couldn't imagine hitting my head at 45 mph. Who knows, it might have saved my life.
I attribute much of this change to my car accident five months ago.
It was not my first accident. That would be in 2010, when a girl named Rainbow made a U-turn straight into my car on her way to her pole-dancing class. Yes, Rainbow (that really was her name) was quite the Rhodes scholar. I felt lucky I wasn't hurt, but she totaled my car, which was traumatic for me at the time. I chose to get my car fixed and in a few weeks life was completely back to normal.
I never would have thought I'd be grateful that Rainbow caused the accident, but I am now. If I hadn't gone through this first accident, my second one would have been ten times harder.
I had my second car accident last September. This time it was a guy named Alfonso without car insurance, also making a U-turn! It was the curse of Rainbow and Alfonso--'The Robonso.' I should just put a sticker on my car that says, "No more U-turns into my car, please.' I sprained my ankle, shoulder, and wrist, and bruised my ribs in the accident.
I am still not back to normal. Some people have told me I'll never get back to normal again. I don't know if I agree with that, because while I want to be realistic, I also think it's too easy to resign yourself to physical limits. So I've started doing things to strengthen my body, and I'm noticing that they're helping significantly. I never went to physical therapy, which is still an option because unlike the person who caused the accident, I DO pay for car insurance and I have an uninsured motorist claim. I didn't think I would need it because I've never had any injury I didn't bounce back from on my own, but after five months, I'm thinking I may go that route. This slow process has been frustrating. However, I'm realizing it may be more of a blessing than anything else.
The accident has caused a motivation to build strength. For example, to strengthen my shoulder and wrist, I use a resistance band that I place in a door jamb. Never in my life have I thought about strengthening my wrists! I've mainly thought about the obvious muscles, such as my legs, being a runner.
I haven't been able to run much, with my recovering ankle. As frustrating as that is, I am doing what I can to feel strong. The result is I'm viewing myself as more than a runner. For example, I have found a love for push-ups! Even though I currently do them on my knees, I made it all the way down to my chin a few weeks ago, the same day as the Super Bowl. (And yes, I watched it! Part of my growing interest in football even stems from my accident. I'm fascinated by how football players take impact; they really know how to fall while limiting injury.) My assisted push-up might not seem like much of an accomplishment, but I have never been able to go all the way down to the floor and make it back up! Eventually I'll be able to do that on my feet, too.
Here's a curve ball: I even bought a pull-up bar (quite funny to see my family members' faces when I showed them). I can't do much yet. In fact, I pretty much hang there. I'll hang three times, for thirty seconds each, then I'll try to do ten pull-ups, in which case I think I might be moving half an inch now, and then I'll do three sets of ten, while standing on a chair.
I've heard some people with similar injuries say they feel pretty normal, as long as they keep up their exercises. If this accident means I must now do exercises I never had to do before to feel normal, then I will exercise and become stronger in the process. Because of this accident, I might become stronger than I ever would have otherwise.
And I just have to add, seat belts really are important! I was wearing my seat belt during both my accidents, and the second one is where it really counted. My injuries have been challenging, but I couldn't imagine hitting my head at 45 mph. Who knows, it might have saved my life.
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