Bus Devotional

This will be the week I have my new car.

It's amazing to think of what it will be like. My last car gave me so many problems that for the past two years--to the date--I didn't feel comfortable driving it. It's a long story of why I kept the car for so long, but it's over now. I can hardly believe what it will be like to go wherever I want to go without anxiety.

Today I decided to make my second visit to a church service I attended last year on my birthday. I am not a religious person, but I still find so much value in different faiths. Plus, it is time to say thank you, and I know something is listening.

On the way there, the bus driver, a cute LDS girl, and myself got into a spiritual conversation. We all felt a closeness to something without identifying it through a church building. It's a meeting house, and a place to gather, but the truth is wherever you go.

Even though I am getting my new car, there will be times when I still take the bus. I do know the routes quite well by now, after all. And sometimes there are these moments of connection.

As I walked to the church building, I passed a toddler sitting on the front steps in a poorer area of Ogden. I said hi and waved, and he just watched me. Then before I was out of view, I turned back and waved again and laughed, and he started waving and laughing.

Psychic Friendships

Thank goodness for the support surrounding me.

Since starting school, I have been debating what to do for my final capstone. I wanted to revisit my stamp portraits, but needed a fresh approach to show my growth as a student.

Then my best friend called me. She had been driving the other day, and the answer randomly popped into her head.

The amazing thing is, we hadn't even been talking about this. She had no idea I was even uncertain about my idea. She simply called and said, "I think you should tie your stamp portraits into your book. Reach out to people who have recovered from self-harm and make stamp portraits of them."

The more we talked about it, the more right it became. Concepts started developing, and with the plan I have now, this upcoming series has taken on a brand new meaning.

It is so amazing how one can feel stuck and someone else hears the answer.

Hallelujah!

March 10, 2015.

That was the date my car caught on fire.

It seems like I would have a new car by now, right? I even have the money to pay for it in cash, although that would make a big dent in my savings.

I have spent the past six months walking everywhere, taking the bus, or getting rides from friends and family. Four times, strangers offered me rides (okay--one of those guys was literally trying to pick me up--but more on that another time!) and I always felt like I could get by.

Then I had to have a conversation with myself and ask, why, exactly, do I want to get by???

I should be thriving.

The truth is I had a load of doubt about myself and the whole car-buying process. I finally decided to take that doubt that's been weighing on me like a bag of sand and dump it right out on the ground. I've had enough of that scarcity thinking.

I bought my new car today. It wasn't even a hassle! I didn't exactly know what to expect, as I've only owned one car my whole life that I bought directly from my dad. I've never even taken cars out for a test drive. But today, after spending some time researching cars online, I found the car.

It seemed to be saying to me, My seats might still be covered in dog hair, but hey, I'm pretty and I'll take you where you wanna go. You've got a platform to build, and I can help you make it happen.

She's a 2005 Honda Civic, well under ten grand with only 93,000 miles. I thought that was pretty low for a ten-year-old car. The selling point for me was how smooth and soft the test drive was. I was used to a car that sounded like a vacuum cleaner and blew smoke in my face.

The dealership still needs to detail her, so I don't have a car quite yet, but after waiting for six months, what's another few days. Tonight will be the last night I walk home from the grocery store trying to carry several heavy bags in my arms.

Better yet, owning a car again means I can get started on my big idea for marketing my book. Even though it's not published yet, I have a plan to get the word out fast (like someone going from walking to driving!) and I can't wait to get started.

Six-word Speech

"Education is reading between the lines."

This is the six-word speech I wrote for public speaking today. What made me proud was what happened as soon as the professor said we needed to move along to our speeches (he loves to talk himself) and sat down. Typically I would stay seated, at least until after he formerly asked to come forward (even then, I might double-check), but the professor's body language seemed to be turning the time over to us, so I stood right up and moved to the podium.

I did find myself falling back on old patterns once I was up there, asking, "We just come on up, right?" It was like I suddenly doubted myself. Clearly I already knew it was okay or I wouldn't have stood up in the first place. Yet that is only a small habit of the past compared to the newer habit of self-confidence I seek to establish.

I really feel self-confidence is, to a great extent, a habit. Habitually being the first to present. Standing up without hesitation. Delivering a speech while making direct eye contact with the class and articulating every word. I know the more I do this, the more second nature it will become.

Too Much Anxiety

Day Three of my last semester and I'm still very anxious.

I wanted to take so many classes in order to learn more skills to help market and support my book. I kept telling myself, "I can take it, just push yourself. Do this, this, and this . . ."

Yet what's the point in trying to do it all if I can't do it well? Here's the funny part: this is my last semester and I only need ONE class to graduate. I wanted to be full time to accept my scholarship, but some people would not even worry about the extra money and just take the one class so it can be done already.

So today I dropped my video class. I wanted to learn how to make awesome videos, but I had a major conflict. There is a jogging class I wanted to take that's at the same time. When I talked to my video professor about this, he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Jogging? You're thinking of dropping this for a jogging class?"

It does sound a little weird, but here's the reason: I still have one more chapter to write in my book. But I can't write it now because it hasn't happened yet. I started my book with the Beat the New Year 5K. Then I had a car accident that made it difficult to run. I worked very hard to run again, and now I need to prove to myself that I can do this same 5K again. And not just finish the 5K, but run it at my best. I'm at my best when I have structure and support; hence, a class is my best option.

So today I stopped listening to the voices in my head telling me to do it all and also stopped worrying about disappointing my professor. I think I'll send him an email explaining my situation--he still might not understand, but at least I can feel I did my best to communicate with him. I very much look forward to these next few months: finishing the final chapters of the two most intense projects of my life.

My First Speech

I knew I would have it coming to me when the clock tower struck nine as I ran down the concrete stairs.

I was a minute late. Last semester, if I left a half hour before class started, I was able to make it on time. Apparently I need more time now. As soon as I entered the classroom, my professor said I would need to give a one-minute speech on the importance of punctuality.

He may not have been entirely serious, as the two girls who showed up five minutes later never gave speeches, but I went for it, thinking I might as well throw myself out there the first moment I walked in.

I have a fear of speaking. Not just in front of a classroom of twenty-five students, but in most given situations. Last Saturday, I had to build up my confidence just to tell an Arby's employee that he rang up my order incorrectly. I almost said nothing, as speaking up can seem more painful to me than being overcharged a few dollars.

That is why I signed up for a public speaking class. And I discovered today that we will be spending part of class outside beneath the bell tower, orating not just to the class, but to anyone passing by.

It's enough to make students want to drop the class. I don't need it for my degree, after all. Yet I need it for something even bigger than my degree: my book. I need to start speaking about Cutting Free so I can show publishers I mean business. I'm not just going to publish it and "see what happens." I'm going to MAKE this book happen.

So here's to my first day of Principles of Public Speaking. Finding my voice has been the most difficult challenge of my entire life. Most of the tragedies I have suffered stem from this. And that is why my book is so important. It gives a voice to the powerful experiences and will help people find their own.

The Finish Line

Today was my first day of my final semester of college. Come December, I will have my bachelor of fine arts.

Yet what I am referring to in the title is my manuscript. It is finally finished.

I stopped writing in 2013 because that was the time I started to face some truly ugly demons. It was the worst time I have ever experienced. Yet going through that was the missing piece that led me to finish the manuscript.

I spent 2014 rewriting most of the manuscript. In fact, that summer, I turned down a teaching job so that I could focus on this book. I woke up early every morning, went to hot yoga, went home and ate lunch, packed myself some dinner, and spent the rest of the day at the library with my laptop. In contrast to the dark year earlier, this was truly one of the most fulfilling experiences I ever had.

Having my book finished is like crossing a mountain range and finding a golden key. I believe we all have keys like this just for us, and we have to search for them. However, now that I have the key, I have a whole new mountain range to cross in order to reach the treasure chest.

In order to maximize my success as an author, I need a bigger platform. When I was writing Cutting Free, I had the idea that I would just put it out there, but I realized I need to put myself out there first.

I can't throw my book into the world without a plan. And I am going to use my classes as my guide. It may be my last semester of college, but its the first semester of my book promotion. I'm taking public speaking, magazine article writing, and a video class. I want to document my BFA thesis artwork and put it out on the web and in the world.

It's time for massive action. Expect frequent posts.