Taking Myself Out on a Date

I was thinking that many people will look at what I did new this week and laugh, thinking "Oh my gosh, she isn't even trying anymore." I wouldn't blame someone for this initial reaction. I mean, it's the middle of October, I have less than three months left before the year is over, it's possible I could be running out of ideas, so of course, by now one almost expects me to give up and start bs-ing my way to the end. Well, even though what I did may seem easy, probably even 'selfish' (how dare I!), it actually was a challenge. But I admit, a very fun challenge that I recommend to everyone else on the planet!

I 'took myself out on a date.' This meant, I put on my perfume and makeup, ate a delicious dinner, and then treated myself to a movie. Why was this a challenge for me? Of course it's not hard to eat food you love and then be entertained later! Even the greatest masochist in the world is going to like that. But it was a challenge because I don't do things like this for myself. I think twice before buying a Subway sandwhich. I see something I want and have the money for, but walk away because I feel like I can't touch my own money. I even deny myself things I need! There always seems to be some other purpose other than myself to justify the dollar symbol.

Last week, I looked at some books at the library and found a book called Healthy Selfishness. A questionairre in the book asked if you spend money on people you wouldn't even spend on yourself. My answer? Yes, yes, yes! Although I pinch my own pennies, I put cash down for others, and if this is a guy I'm dating and like very much, I am especially likely to spend more. I will buy others gifts I would never get for myself, whether its nice food or a concert or even if its given in the sense of my time. Sometimes I feel guilty if I'm not doing something 'productive.' Yet, I'll give much of my time to other people.

So this night my time and my money was just for myself. I went out to a sushi restaurant called Shin Sei, which is the second time this restaurant finds a place in my book as this is also where I ate the raw quail eggs. I figured this would be a good place to go because 1)I love sushi 2)there is a bar so I felt comfortable sitting alone and 3)it is a nice enough place that it feels 'date worthy.' I had two rolls, some tempura vegetables and green tea.

Then I went to a movie at the Ogden Megaplex which was just about two streets down from the sushi restaurant. Since I've moved, I haven't watched very much tv and don't even know what movies are playing. I wasn't too interested in most of what I looked up and was planning to see The Invention of Lying, but I still wasn't completely in the mood. Then I looked up the movie Paranormal Activity and remembered my brother saying he was going to see that. My brother has a nack for paying to see stupid horror movies, but I decided he got this one right. So not only did I see a movie alone, but a scary one at that (personally, I did find it worth the money).

After jumping in my seat and leaving the theater to go back to my car, I decided there was something just plain wrong about seeing a horror movie and then going home to bed without speaking to a single human being. I mean, I needed some recovery time, a little return to reality. And parking garages are kind of sinister in themselves when its midnight, you're alone and you just saw a freaky movie. So I called my younger sister. As I told her I'd just come from the movie theater, she told me she had just left her coworker's birthday party and was in her car about to head home. She had parked in the covered parking garage near the movie theater, the same place I had parked to go to the movie. She was on the second floor, the same floor I was. It turns out, we were less than one hundred feet away from each other. There was just a wall blocking the view of her car from mine. We were only a couple parking stalls away from each other. What a coincidence! We were both just about to drive away too. So even though I went on a 'single date', I ended up in familar company at the end of the night, which never would have happened had I stayed at home.

What I want to yield from this experience is greater balance in my life. Of course it would be unreasonable and grossly unhealthy to cut out other people and go solo to the point where valuable relationships begin to atrophy. But it is also unhealthy to feel like you can't treat yourself and be alone and happy at the same time, whether that happiness is generated from attending a cultural event, running a marathon or leaving the house on a Saturday night (or staying in).

The only time I've eaten dinner by myself has been at home or at a fast food restaurant. I have never went to see a movie by myself, not at any point. I didn't even really see people as doing such a thing, but I decided, if I'm going to learn a greater independence and be comfortable leaving the house and going to dinner and a movie even if I'm a party of one, I need to just do it! Admittedly, I was actually a tiny bit nervous to go out by myself just because it felt so odd. And it took a new perspective to justify spending money on no one but me. But I did it and now that I have, I will tell you, if I really want to leave the house and get some great food and some entertainment afterwards, you don't need a partner. You don't need a reason other than yourself. I don't have to make plans with anyone or feel like the only time I can do these things is if it benefits others. Another confession: sometimes spending my money and time on others is a way to compensate for feeling not quite good enough. As if I need to treat them in order for them to stick around. What I'm learning is to create happiness for myself, and appreciate who I am, and then know that the confidence within myself will manifest to others and that I, alone or in a group, am enough.